When I was a teenager, and attending youth group at church, one of the leaders said, “You have to love yourself before you will be loved.” I remember scoffing (not out loud, of course). I thought that was psychobabble, what people always say when they think they are better than anyone else. Quite often, people in my life who said that were the ones who were happily partnered or married.
For years I thought that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems. I also didn’t love myself. I didn’t feel good enough. What’s more, I couldn’t see how I would ever be good enough. I am blind. I have gait and balance problems and don’t walk normally. My fine dexterity is challenged making it difficult to write, cut meat, and wrap gifts.
My parents would take the brush out of my hand and do my hair for me. I guess I couldn’t do my hair well enough to suit them. They adjusted my hats on my head so much I quit wearing hats. My family did everything for me; I didn’t learn to tie my shoes until I was thirteen. I overheard kids talking about me at school. My first college roommate would get mad at me for reading braille in the dark when we went to bed; even that was too loud. My first rehabilitation teacher told me that, if I was going to be successful at work, I was going to have to use my brain. What was there to love? Who would ever love me for who I am inside? I have struggled with self-esteem all my life. It’s humiliating and lonely to be different. Do you have thoughts like this?
Then I met my first husband. My parents were opposed to our marriage, but I thought everything would be better now. I was devastated when he became abusive. If I thought I had it bad before, this was even worse I had to leave my husband for my safety and my sanity.
The one beautiful outcome of that marriage was our son. As he grew older, even he grew to resent me. Having a single mom with multiple disabilities seemed to be a hard pill for him to swallow. He ultimately lost his life to a drug overdose when he was forty years old. I lost communication and time with my granddaughters who were the joys of my life.
I could go on and on about my shame, losses, and regrets. However, in 2020, I found the Year of Miracles Program, founded by Marci Shimoff, coauthor of the book Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out. By now I was a licensed clinical social worker and operating a thriving private therapy practice. I realized I was using many of the skills she taught us with my clients. I enrolled in her happiness certification program and became a certified happiness trainer. I discovered I was looking outside myself for validation and happiness. I learned that I needed to seek joy and fulfillment within myself.
I told myself it was time I started using the tools I was teaching my clients in my own life.
The definition of “happy for no reason” is a state of inner peace and well being that is not shaken by our circumstances. Although, as a therapist, I understood and could model reframing negative thinking, I never realized that we don’t have to believe everything we think. I learned about questioning my thoughts and seeking solutions. I learned that the fast track to victimhood is blaming, shaming, and complaining. I discovered that eliminating these habits was one of the quickest ways to take responsibility for my own happiness. In short, developing self-love is about more than just thinking. It involves changing behaviors. What can you do to experience your own deeper sense of self love then?
Awareness is the first step. Begin with your thinking. Notice when you are complaining, blaming others, and especially shaming yourself. As you catch yourself having these thoughts, interrupt this thought train. Question the thought. FYI, our minds have a built-in negativity bias. This is because we are programmed to stay within our comfort zone. This was very useful when we were primitive human beings. When we felt threatened, our bodies went into protection mode; our brains pushed stress hormones from our guts to our limbs enabling us to run like hell away from the tigers. In today’s society, the tigers are busy schedules, conflict in our relationships, and yes, self-doubt. We tend to engage in all or nothing thinking, in absolutes such as always and never. We now know about neuroplasticity ; this is our brain’s ability to develop stronger neuropathways or helpful thinking patterns. The more we reframe our thoughts according to what we know is true for us, the weaker the unhelpful thinking patterns become. Conversely, and wonderfully for us, the stronger the helpful neuropathways become. For example, if your thought is “I am not good enough,” ask yourself, “What do I do well?” It might be that you have good organizational skills and are
Good at prioritizing and meeting deadlines. Perhaps you are an excellent cook and your family loves your yummy creations. Practice noticing and interrupting unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with thoughts that bestow value on the truth of who you are now. Retraining our thought processes is one important step, but other behavioral changes will serve you as well.
Exercises to Try
- Rediscover Your Joy
The biggest difference between happy and unhappy people is our habits. Work on developing behavioral or habit changes. Take some time to recollect, and even make a list, of activities that used to bring you joy. Then actively go about adding these activities back into your life.
After my husband died, I did this exercise for myself. I remembered enjoying playing the auto harp and bought one for myself. I started reteaching myself how to play.
I remembered how much I loved singing. I started singing when I played the auto harp and singing along to my favorite songs when they played on the radio or on my Amazon Alexa. Now my housemate laughs and rejoices with me when I start singing anytime I hear a commercial ad or words in conversation that remind me of a relevant song.
I remember how much my son’s dog loved me, how much my late husband’s dog, and dogs of friends loved me and how much joy that gave me. When I purchased the home I live in now, my sister helped me get a dog. She is a white, German Shepherd, and she has quite a personality. She vocalizes more than any dog I have ever had. She seems to have entire conversations with us. With her, and my housemate, for that matter, I laugh out loud every day. Even so, circumstances shake my world on a regular basis. I have to intentionally use my tools just as I am recommending for you.
- The Most Loving Thing
Most of us have a habit of paying attention to everyone else and taking care of everyone
else, and then we end up running on empty. Women especially have been trained to
focus on everyone else rather than themselves. The following simple practice is a way to
show ourselves self-love by paying attention to how we feel.
Write the following question on a Post-it note: “What’s the most loving thing I can do
for myself right now?” Put that question on your computer, in your kitchen, or on your
mirror. A couple of times per day, stop what you’re doing and ask yourself, “What’s the
most loving thing I can do for myself right now?”
The answer might be to get a sip of water, step outside for some fresh air, phone a friend,
speak more lovingly to yourself, or anything else. Then, do that action and see how your
happiness set-point rises.
(Used by Permission: © Shimoff & Associates, Inc. 2024 Unlabeled graphic)
- Listen to Your Inner Voice
1. Find a quiet, comfortable place, and sit with a pen and paper ready.
2. At the top of the paper write down a question or issue you’d like guidance about
Phrase the question or issue as clearly as possible.
3. Close your eyes and take several deep breaths.
4. Ask your inner voice the question you wrote on the paper. It may take a few
moments until you feel ready, but when you do, open your eyes and start writing
whatever comes to you. It doesn’t matter whether it makes sense or not. Keep
writing until your hand feels like it won’t move any longer, not reading what you
have written as you go.
5. Now read over what you’ve written—you may be quite surprised at what wisdom
has come out. Even a certain word or phrase may be the key to your answer.
(Used by permission: © Copyright 2024 Shimoff & Associates, Inc. Happy for No Reason is a registered trademark of Shimoff & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved.)
Embrace Happiness Event:
Be Your Own Valentine
On Valentine’s Day, February 14, at 10 AM Pacific Time, I am holding a Meetup event entitled Be Your Own Valentine. We will explore strategies for embodying self-love. Please join us!